My Roots

I had to go through a mental health assessment for my disability application.

It can truly be so daunting to have to list off everything in your life that feeds mental illness. I suffer from PTSD, MDD, and GAD.

  • Alcoholic/Addict Parent
  • Multiple CPS interviews growing up
  • Sexual Abuse from Peer in Highschool
  • Anorexia
  • Self Harming
  • Multiple Abusive Live-In Relationships
  • Suicide Attempts
  • Violent Event at Work
  • Abuse in Work Environment
  • Abandonment
  • Financial Strain
  • College Dropout

The list goes on for what feels like forever.

Through the entire assessment all I could do was wonder if I’m “fucked up enough” for disability because I’m definitely too “fucked up” to hold a job.

I was working for Huntington National Bank for 3 years. I was a loan officer. Starting out I was a top performer. After a supervisor change my mental health started to deteriorate. My new supervisor seemed to take a lot of her personal struggles out on me. I was accused, belittled, and berated for things that were out of my control. I started immediately seeking advancement options so that I could be moved out of the situation and I started seeing a Psychiatrist and Therapist weekly.

I managed to get a new position within Huntington National Bank! I thought that would be the start of an all new and bright future for me. My supervisor and my team in this new role were all amazing. Unfortunately I was still dealing with some residual effects from the abuse I received from the previous supervisor. I had to implement FMLA.

I was on FMLA for almost two years! My depression was building to unmanageable heights. I could no longer work and I exhausted my FMLA. So I sought out jobs that I thought would be less pressure. Unfortunately after a violent episode with a customer I was diagnosed with PTSD. My ability to work all together was gone. I now was unable to leave the house without experiencing panic attacks.

February 22nd I applied for Disability and Medicaid. I am still in the process of trying to get my disability approved. It moves so slow. My full benefits for Medicaid will finally start July 1st. I am still waiting for food stamps. I am facing an even more difficult time attempting to get cash assistance as I have had $0 income since January this year. I have applied for the Obama Phone. Luckily I was approved to receive assistance from a food bank so that I can eat.

I lost my home, car, and phone. I lost my independence, confidence, and ┬ásecurity. I lost a lot of control. I am at other peoples will and mercy. I have to hope that this is the worst episode my mental illness will ever put me through. I don’t know how I will survive anything more than this in the future.

It’s amazing to me how long it takes to receive assistance. Had I been able to get assistance sooner, this episode may not have been so drawn out. When I was accepted by the food bank and I was able to get food for the first time… I cried. I had no idea how insecure I was about my ability to feed myself until finally I knew I would be okay.

I don’t know how much longer I will have to go through this. I don’t know when I will start receiving funds to help me rebuild my life. I don’t know when I’ll have a secure housing arrangement. I don’t know what my future looks like and that’s scary. It’s been a long 6 months so far and all I can do is hope that better days are close.

I certainly can say that I wouldn’t be able to navigate medicaid, job & family services, food assistance, etc if I didn’t have my social worker to help me. Truly it is a nightmare.


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